You follow the course
Each bastard cell
Swollen with guilt
Dies and makes you aware
Of its passing
You look into their eyes
See the hurt you’ve caused
Fresh marks down their forearms
They go to courses
Which teach them how to clean up
After cutting
It’s all you can do not to weep
Not from self-pity
But because you,
Furtive bastard that you were,
Thought you could play without consequence
And sat there, sober and rebuilt,
She reminds you
How far you’ve come
And how far you still have left
To travel.
There is good in you,
A strength which means no one sees you
Weep who hasn’t earned it
You had to be torn down
To be rebuilt
And no one notices your goodness
Because they shouldn’t fucking have had to,
You tell yourself you were young
Naive, unhappy and furtive with the unhappiness
But you still live with what you’ve done
And you’re somewhere stronger,
Harder and more loving,
Keep it all in
Handle your shit
You know how awful it can get,
But goodness isn’t done for an audience
It’s so you can sleep at night
Kill that furtive bastard
Who bore your face
And if no one recognises the effort
You do
And that is
Enough
Put it in remission
When you see her,
You don’t tell her how she makes it easy
Not to be a bastard anymore
Not from fear but because you’ve lost
The taste of anything but her,
Women still smile at you,
You smile back,
But nothing more,
You still bear a hunter’s appeal
Don’t you and yet you’re more
Aware that being able to get any woman
Means you get any woman
And you are kinder to yourself
As a result.
Because to escape the hell you made
Burns at every step upwards
But heaven awaits
A place
A person
A state of being
Where you stop hurting
The ones you love
Most of all
Yourself.
A difficult read, this one. Wisdom or consequences: learning is done through both but with wisdom comes the opportunity to avoid painful situations. Consequences are, by definition, after the fact, and if we only learn by the mistakes we make then we should not dismiss the gains we have made. The pain just teaches in a different way.
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