Extracts From A Taxonomy of Clowns

 

…There are schools of thought which maintain the excessive use of cosmetics fulfils a role similar to war paint but Houston and Dennis maintain the regular palate of aposematic colours is an evolutionary adaptation.

 

A primal intuition of threat is the lips are drawn back and teeth parted, in preparation to bite. Smiles are not performed in isolation, which is how they communicate friendliness and warmth. Clowns smile like politicians. It never reaches their eyes or it engulfs them whole.

 

Hobo Clowns are the most dangerous because they are always hungry.

 

Vampire Clowns have found social acceptance in the Quebecois burlesque community. Trudeau knows this presents issues but cannot speak out against them, for fear of being accused of discrimination.

 

Florida Man is a regional evolution of the Hobo clown, based on the climate and food sources. Although undeveloped amygdala are common in the clown clade, Florida Man has increased aggression responses and a digestive system adopted to pork rinds, malt liquor and flamingo meat. Their genitals have adapted to reptilian partners.

 

It is said we should remember clowns are people. But what if they’re not?

 

Clowns have evolved deliberate triggers to unsettle their prey. The exaggerated features and parodist gait trigger the uncanny valley effect in their prey. Previous generations have capitalised on this to establish mating schedules profligate in their numbers.

 

Clowns lay eggs most often at Easter as it falls within their ovulatory cycle. The falling prevalence of traditional hunts has led to incidents of breeding pairs entering grocery retail stores to plant their offspring.

 

We find prophecies of chaos in the ordinary. In our neurological drive to create narrative, there are life forms which exploit this to their advantage. It used to be us, but now there are other things out there.

 

The legislation around animal welfare in circuses has led to unintended consequences for the clown population.

I’ve been researching #clowngate and #corydonrights and the attendant popularity of advocacy for the species. Someone appears to have leaked my address online as I’ve been receiving anonymous phone calls. No words, just the honk of a bicycle horn followed by some faint giggling.

 

Homo Corydon represents a clear and present threat to the species. My latest findings will vindicate my position and ensure my opponents, academic and scientific will have pie on their face.

 

Ugh, editorial notes are such a chore. Still, one last look over and then it’s a proofreading.

Their hunting calls have evolved, due to the evolution of vocal nodes which compress air and emit it through small orifices at the back of their mouths. 

I hear it sometimes, but tonight there’s been someone playing it outside and I’m afraid to go and look. 

 

Officers were called to 1433 Ingleside Drive by neighbours who reported an audible nuisance. They heard Calliope music from the property at unreasonable volumes. Patrolman Jeffers knocked at the door and found it unlocked. They entered the property. There had been a struggle, with signs of protracted vandalism throughout the property.

Jeffers found the occupant in his study and took pains to secure the scene for the gathering of evidence.

Patrolman Jeffers has been placed on administrative leave, with pay whilst he undergoes medical treatment.

The medical examiner’s report remains sealed. No further information is available.

He was just a torso, in a white shirt. Like a cartel killing, in they took his arms and legs off, tore away his genitals and opened his throat, pulled his tongue through so it sat there like a pink, wet tie. They had scalped him but left the hair at the sides so I was looking down on a red, wet yarmulke before I couldn’t take anymore.

They skinned his nose too.

Like a clown, you know? I can’t go near a fucking circus now, not after that. Shit, I’m not even sure I can police again.

Yes, it is nice here. It happens to a lot of policemen.

There are things you can’t unsee.

 

A Taxonomy of Clowns has been accepted and will be published in The Iconoclast: A Reader on Intersectional Jester Traditions in North America and Europe this fall.