I Cannot Pretend I am Without Fear

I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers.

Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.

Dr Oliver Sacks is a smart and capable, humane man and I am gutted, but happy that he says goodbye on his own terms. Those two paragraphs sum up how I feel about my life thus far, and I can only hope to live half as well with as much love.

Death itself doesn’t scare me, only that it’s potentially painful and that I leave too much unsaid, or die unmourned or in anonymity.

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3 thoughts on “I Cannot Pretend I am Without Fear

  1. Well I have no idea who Dr. Oliver Sacks is, but I’m not afraid of dying. I know what happens when you die…they bury (or in my case cremate, as it is my wish that I be cremated & my ashes scattered) you. Is there an afterlife…well, I’ll let you know if & when I arrive there.

    What I’m terrified of is ending up like my maternal grandmother. She had breast cancer, and they removed both her breasts & put her through the hell that is chemotherapy, and that didn’t get it. It still metastasized, slowly eating away at her bones, her liver, and they said hey couldn’t do anything for that. She didn’t die right away, but rather spent six long years suffering before she finally died and got to be at peace. I don’t want to spend six years suffering, I’d rather drop dead right away, if that makes sense.

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    1. I lost my grandfather to prostate cancer and over a year watched it decimate him. I have a purpose to fulfill before I pass on but if the time comes I hope that it is quick and easy.
      Thank you for sharing that Cara

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  2. It makes sense. Death itself doesn’t scare me, but pain does and although we assign nobility in the face of it, certain ways of dying are cruel and prolonged. I’m personally an advocate for end of life rights, to minimise the suffering to the people that I love and love me in return. Thanks for commenting.

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